Till I Fall Asleep

I’m not sure where time flies to. But fly it does. I promise I’ve neither died, fallen into a comatose abyss, or been taken away by little men from the Twilight Zone. And if you don’t know what the Twilight Zone is, then you definitely need to educate yourself on it and check it out.

I am finally breaking the sabbatical of silence. I’m sorry. I know. It’s been a couple of months since I last wrote. More like three. Or four. That’s a long time. And in that span of time, well, some things have gone down.

It turns out I needed a wake up call. Because I’d slowly been drowning and spiraling into that place of complacency that we all tend to be most comfortable in. Most people may not have noticed, but I did…and my God did.

With the result of this wakeup call…. I realized that I’d started to become exactly all of the things I was so ardently pretending to write and speak out against. I was going through life like a robot without having the luster of living or being a light to those closest to me. Where was that strong woman who had the heart of a lion and the joy of light? She’d faded and she’d gotten lost while sleeping.

Then someone died. At the time, I was working for the police department. It was Valentine’s Day and I really just wanted to be home eating chocolate and listening to a Frank Sinatra vinyl. The 911 phone rang and a very calm man on the other end told me that his sister in law was dead. Of course, this absolute conclusion can be difficult to positively determine so I questioned him further because if there was even a small chance that this woman had a pulse, we were going to try and save her. He said that he was a doctor, he knew what he was talking about, she was blue, and she was definitely dead. Apparently she’d been dead for several days and no one had known until now. She’d been drinking and overmedicated. I thought it was ironic that this address was at the very apartment complex which I resided. I also felt it was very sad that this woman hadn’t been missed for several days and only found on this day of love.

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When I arrived home that evening, there was an officer at the bottom of my staircase. I wondered what was going on, but then it hit me when I saw the door to the apartment across from mine standing wide open. The person I’d taken the call for was my neighbor. This woman had been kind to me ever since I’d moved in next door to her. Granted, she was a bit eccentric, but she was thoughtful and she and her small dog made me smile. I came to know that she was alone. Her children hardly visited, she never had company besides that of her small dog, and she could really use someone in her life. Several days before the call, this very woman had come to me and in that moment…. I knew she needed someone to talk to. I could feel it and I could see it. She just needed a couple of my minutes. But I didn’t have a couple of minutes. I was too busy. I grabbed my groceries from the car and quickly told her to have a nice day so I could escape her eccentric remarks and avoid a person I didn’t feel like investing in right then.

Who knows what could or would have happened if this lady had someone. She just needed someone who cared. It took someone days to find her because no one had cared.

I started to get the notion that maybe this was a stop sign to me. Just maybe I needed to wake up. But I was still napping.

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Then Grandma unexpectedly died. Well, more specifically, she got her plug pulled. And I never got to say goodbye. Then Aunt passed away. Then a couple of weeks later my car was killed when I was involved in a nearly fatal wreck and almost died myself. Then a week after that, my friend had a freak accident and almost died but luckily made it out with a minor concussion and a fractured collar bone.

Yep, it was getting pretty hard to keep up with everything.

What was going on and why were all of these bad things happening? Was God seriously that against me? I’ll spare you most of the gruesome details at this time (more on it later)…. but it’s called life. It’s the fallen world that we live in where bad and sad things happen. These are not things cause by a good God. Actually, the bad things would happen regardless because of the state of the place that we live where bad things occur. It’s a good God that protects, blesses, and puts his hand of security around us. Yet sometimes, some of the bad things are the result of what happens when we run red lights and don’t use caution with the yellow ones.

So, what’s the moral of this story and the point to all of this pretty unfortunate news?

We don’t know how much time we have in this physical realm. It’s uncertain and, really, even if we do live to a ripe old age, it’s still pretty short. A hundred years tops. That’s not a lot. There’s not time to waste squandering life. There’s no time to not invest in the people around you. People are what make up life and you never know what life you could make a difference in if you take the time to do so. We are not robots and we have the freedom to choose what we do in this life. But there is also a responsibility that comes with that freedom.

Wake up. Don’t wait for a call until you fall asleep.

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In A World of Fear

The sound still echoes in my ears. The thrum of wings against the air. We were running as fast as our little legs would carry us from the soaring creature. It was a big one, too. I was only six at the time,  but I can still remember the horrific experience to this day. We’d been playing outside on an exceptionally nice summer’s afternoon when our squeals of delight ignited the angry fire in the soul of the bumble bee. He tore us away from our innocent play and herded us to the front porch. The door was so close but I could hear the beating wings in my ear and my heart quickly plummeted. My baby sister had never been stung before and I had no idea whether that first sting could be a fatal one. I reached the door and yanked on the handle. There was only one choice. I pushed her through the doorway and could hardly get past the look of terror in her eyes. I shut the screen and let my hand rest on the glass. Such an ironically thin barrier between utter danger and complete safety. She was securely inside and I faced my fears. I hoped that the welt and fire I felt would eventually take me out. It was a very long day of hell on earth.

Brave. What a seemingly simple, little word. If someone asked you if you were brave, would you say that you are? Do you know what that is? Do most of us really act out that verb or do we only spout it out when we want to pretend that we will stand up and fight for something that’s at a distance? Do we live out what we say we believe? It’s easy to claim you’ll die for something or someone…but can you so easily live for it?  Bravery is not the lack of fear. It is doing what you are afraid to do but know that you must and should do. It is moving forward in spite of fear. You’ll never take courage if you’re not brave enough to live for what you say you’re willing to die for. Life doesn’t always get easier. We have a choice to get stronger. We have the opportunity to be better. We can decide to be braver. Continue reading “In A World of Fear”

Being Human

You only live once. Or so they say. But what if…. you actually lived twice? What if everything that you did during this lifetime carried over into another? Would it affect your perspective and why you do things? Would it change the way you look at the meaning of your life? Perhaps.

What if you actually have a mission and a purpose? What if your life was not accidental and there’s no way in heaven or hell that you existing could have come by a random galactical chance? And what if, it intentionally kept you from fulfilling that mission and your purpose in life by convincing you…that you didn’t have one. Continue reading “Being Human”

The Silent Scream

You have every right to your own personal belief. Whatever that belief or lack of belief is. Personally, I believe in God and I am a Jesus follower. It wasn’t always this way for me though and at one point during my journey of agnosticism, I clung to the facts on everything. So, if you don’t believe in a higher power, then look at the facts. Truth and what works to make the world continue to be a good and ethical place will always prove itself to be true.

I’m going to be very real and very frank here. If it seems harsh, that’s because it probably is. We can’t go through life having everything sugar coated and easy to swallow. That’s why our world is the way that it is today. Everyone is afraid of offending someone. Well unfortunately, not everyone is right and plenty of people are wrong about all sorts of things. They are wrong in mindset, in perspective, in the way that they’ve been conditioned to view things, and in their reasoning behind the choices that they are making. There is right and there is wrong. There are absolutes whether or not we want there to be. Just because we don’t want to believe in something doesn’t keep it from being true. Sometimes the truth hurts and sometimes we each need a good dose of it. Continue reading “The Silent Scream”

Careful Who You Pretend To Be

Who are you?

When you answer that question, will it be an answer that you actually believe in…. or one that you hardly know the answer to?

Who we are and the reasons behind why we do what we do is largely, if not entirely, founded on what we believe in. It is based on our faith, values, and ideals.

Our initial ideas come from our developed opinions. These ideas and opinions are based on our culture, the way we were raised, and the experiences we’ve acquired so far. Consequently, the things we talk about and start to entertain the notion of result from these compiled opinions. Our actions and choices furthermore are the outcome of the things we’ve decided are right or wrong and convictions that we will personally defend and hold to. Who you are will show in what you do. Continue reading “Careful Who You Pretend To Be”

To The Boy Who Flew Away

Dear Amazing Boy,

 

I’d never known someone quite like you in my entire life. You opened up my eyes and painted my universe in colors I’d never seen before. You made the world come alive and possibilities seem endless. It was a surprise and revelation I’d never expected and one that made my heart skip a beat each day. Your friendship, your smile, your laugh, your mind… everything about you amazed me. I never thought I’d find someone as weird as I was. And yet, somehow, you accepted me. You actually liked me for all of my strangeness.

You showed me that amazing boys still exist. You weren’t afraid to be real when it would have been safer for you to be a Pinocchio. You didn’t let pain or disappointment disfigure your heart. It only made you shine brighter and stand stronger for the girl you knew would one day be yours.

I was hesitant and cautious at first. But you were willing to wait. You were the only boy who had ever stayed up to wait for midnight on my Birthday Eve so you could be both the first to send me a message and also leave an original song on my voicemail. You were the only one who both sent my favorite kind and color of flowers “just because.” You called me beautiful instead of “hot” and you never tried to cross any lines. You didn’t mind my quirks and encouraged my strange collection of vinyl’s. You opened the doors for me, tried my strange concoction of peppermint coffee, and insisted on carrying my shopping bags. You made me feel like I could conquer the world and that I was capable of anything. You believed in me when I knew I would fail. And somehow… I succeeded. You called me every night and asked me about my day. You told me about yours and we shared in joys and frustrations. You were the kind of boy I wish I’d known for so long. Continue reading “To The Boy Who Flew Away”

Dear X

It’s about to get real, folks. And in all honesty, this isn’t going to be one of the easiest memoirs to write. This is some major heart to heart. I’m going to open up. I’m going to be vulnerable. I’m going to share some things. I’m going to reveal a part of me to a whole lot of people all over the web. You’re going to see a personal side that I don’t even show to most close friends or family. That’s a big deal. Maybe not for some who don’t mind divulging every single nitty gritty detail that took place in the course of their last night’s fiasco, but it’s a pretty major brain-blowing event for this chick. It’s a scary thing to do. Pray for me. And please don’t blackmail me. Continue reading “Dear X”